I did not choose to be a trans woman, I was fashioned into one by a toxic mixture of patriarchy and misogyny. I did not choose to be a queer little girl, I just became that way. I don’t know how to explain the process of how a gender constructs, and it is unfair to place the burden of proving my gender construction process upon me to explain before I am accepted as who I am. To put simply, understanding my origin is none of your fucking business. I’ve put up with enough bullshit. I am here, leave me be, I am tired of trying to explain the why of my existence to people. The why doesn’t matter. WHO I am is more important, and HOW I live is more important still.
Who I am is a woman, and this markedness I carry is both the mark of a woman and the exclusion of my womanhood. I carry the lack of trust that a woman carries and the suspicion of my motives on top of that lack of trust. I carry the markedness of femininity and the tells that betray me and reveal a sinister and threatening masculinity. I carry all the marks that a cis woman carries and at the same time I carry a mark that seeks to reject of my womanhood for the wont of cis people being allowed to openly carry their marks without challenge. I carry all these marks but I am forced to hide them, to occult them into cis womanhood, to “pass” as it were so that cis people can then feel safe releasing me from the need to continuously prove myself as woman enough to be trusted. I am not seen as a woman, I am only tacitly accepted as one. The mark of being a trans woman is the mark of a threat.
I did not choose these marks. I did not choose to be made into a trans woman. I have been marked a trans woman by a cisgender system that seeks to be the totalitarian gender system of the world. These marks that I carry, I do not carry with consent. I carry them under duress.